Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Cycle of Starting Over

It's back to square one... and let me tell you, it's the last place I want to be right now.  It isn't just that I don't want to be here right now but I don't have the TIME to be here right now!!!  I work full time where it's anything but M-F/9-5, take care of almost everything at home, try to be a good wife, all the while this weekend I'm throwing TWO different birthday parties for my husband's 30th.  So Crohn's didn't have a spot on my TO DO list.

Not that I didn't see it coming.

I get at least one fairly big flare up at least once a month but thank God that they usually only last for a few days. But this one has been building probably since I took that first bite of something that I probably should NOT have eaten months ago.  It's "funny" how something so small spirals into something we can't control.  Man, I feel like I'm starting to talk about sin here ;)  I've had all the warning signs that something big was coming but I'm not one who wants to believe that I can't control this disease.  Believe me, for the most part there is nothing that I can actually do to prevent it.  In all of their research they aren't sure yet how to stop this disease or even control it.  There are things that help but Crohn's really does have a mind of it's own.  Whatever it is that causes it is what is sending the lovely un-necessary poisons through my body to attack and kill the organs of my digestive track. But on Sunday, the attack hit in high speed...  immediately I got really hot, my head started pounding, I felt clammy, and very dizzy as the pain of the disease creating yet another tunnel through my body took place. When I say tunnel, I am being literal.  Due to my severity of Crohn's, I get what's called "fistulas."  Fistulas are the effect of the poison reeking havoc on my body so that it creates just that, tunnels through my organs and tissue... some times all the way through to my skin.  It's the one part of Crohn's that no matter what I do, I can't seem to stop.  The pain is horrible and standing up makes it worse because gravity pulls down on these tender areas.  The light headed-ness is always my warning sign that it's only going to get worse.  By the grace of God I made it home that night and somehow mobile the next day but when I got home on Monday my body decided that it was time to shut down... no if, ands, or buts. Today I was forced into a day of rest due to the fact that power to stand longer than a few minutes wasn't something that I could do without tears of frustration streaming down my face.  I feel lost and out of control... something that I CANNOT stand!!! 

I don't care what I have to do, staying OUT and AWAY from the hospital and another surgery is #1 on my priority list.  Okay, well maybe #2 because my real priority is getting myself out of this mess.

I just want to cry!!! I want to put on my jammies, curl up in a ball next to my husband, make him listen to my worries, wipe my tears, and have him hold me until all of the emotions wear away and I fall asleep.  But honestly, what's the point?!?!  The other part of me took a shower today, got dressed, dried my hair for maybe the second time in MONTHS, put on some make up and a fake smile to either hide the fact that it's gotten this bad again to those around me and/or to deny to myself that it's anything other than just a normal day.  Why let my emotions get the best of me?!?!  It's not the first time I've had a major flare up and unfortunately it probably won't be the last.  One of the hardest parts of all this is the emotional damage that it causes.  It doesn't get any easier each time and it actually seems harder because it is even more frustrating each time... not to mention the toll it takes on everything around me: my marriage, work, those I care about, my commitments, even down to my ability to get out of bed... the list goes ON and ON!!! 

So anyway, I just had to get it out before I start to bawl or blow up... I'm teetering back and forth!!!  Tomorrow begins a liquid diet for me to cleanse my poor body for hopefully the next 3 days... then we'll see.  Send a prayer out for me as I start this cycle again.  I am still trying to avoid having to give myself shots every two weeks for the rest of my life (which is my last option for treating this thing) of a drug that may or may not even work.  There's got to be a better way... a better quality of life!!!  I'll update as the days go on.