I'm Going Left... No, I Mean Right

So, I failed....

Not really, but my number one and two priorities didn't happen.  Apparently someone had other plans for me.  I managed to barely make it through my husband's 30th birthday weekend extravaganza with some major help from a dear friend and one of my sister-in-laws (thanks ladies).  It was only by the grace of God that I physically made it through though.  That weekend plus two days of struggling through work and my body put it's foot down on my priorities.  One crying phone call to my boss about how sorry I was that I couldn't even stand up long enough to get ready for work and I knew that this wasn't going to get any better.  I got off of the phone with her and made the call to my Dr's office.  The first response was that she (my doctor) was booked all the way out til June but since I was in bad shape they were going to find her to see what she could do.  A matter of minutes later they were calling me back to say that my surgeon saw this and wanted to see me the next day after he got out of surgery... aww crap was all I could say, however as far I knew at this point he could also take one look at me and say that it looks like it hurts but nothing's infected yet and I was going to have to wait it out.

Talk about one of the longest and painfullest nights of my life.

The next afternoon I had the hubby drive me to OHSU.  Definitely shouldn't have been driving myself for sure and it also was a precaution so that I wouldn't be alone just in case the worse case scenario happened (surgery).  I don't think that I've ever waited so long to see a doctor... but I knew exactly why it was taking so long.  See, my surgeon has known me long enough to know that if I actually drag my butt into their office then there is something really wrong, so he was putting other patients in front of me so that he would be able to take me right into surgery if needed.  The problem was that the longer I waited though the more worried I got that there wasn't going to be anything that he could do and I was going to leave in the same amount of pain that I arrived in but with a more than irritated hubby who'd been sitting in the waiting room for well over an hour at this point.  His medical student kept on checking on me and asking me more questions which I have to say was making me a little crazy.  Finally my surgeon walked into the door.  He asked me two questions and immediately after I answered said, "Well you know I'm going to have to take a look now." "I kind of figured that," was all I could say.  A two second peek and response of, "Ohhh-kayyy" was all I got.  Darn it, I knew what that meant.  We went through the same routine:  well, it's definitely an abscess... dang it... well, I can try and drain it here... um okay, but you know how well I do with that...  well, you'll feel some instant relief if it works...  okay, but you'd better get my husband so I can break his hand.  Hubby comes in the room thinking who knows what and my Dr sits him down and shows him how to hold his hand and fingers so I don't break them while he makes the incision.  A little numbing and it's time to do this.  One cut and I scream and I do mean scream... whole body, head to toe, no way of controlling it scream.  I've only screamed twice in my life before this and the first time was the first and last time he'd tried to do this same thing 2.5 years prior and the second was in the car after wards on the ride up to the hospital because by trying to drain it only made it worse.  Instantly I started to sob... the tears flowed for so many reasons.  I cried for feeling like a baby because I felt like I should be able to take the pain.  I cried because I screamed.  I cried because of the pain.  I cried because I knew that because he couldn't get it drained that he'd have to do surgery. 

I get myself back in check because this is my reality... this is my life.

We sign all the consent forms and he tells me that he wants me to stay overnight this time so we need to get headed up to the hospital to get checked into my room before surgery.  It's getting late and hubby has to be up for work at 4am so I call my parents to come so he can go home but of course he won't go until he's sure that it all goes okay.  Surgery gets scheduled for 11pm and I am still in the process of getting checked into my room when all of a sudden they're at the door to take me to surgery 2 1/2 hours early... guess that's one way to not have time to get nervous.  A few questions from the doctors and a few kisses from my wonderful husband and it was off to sleep for me. 

The surgery went fine but they found a lot more infection and damage than anticipated which was why trying to drain it in the clinic didn't work.  I woke up with another seton in, which was exactly what I'd asked them not to do if at all possible but as the Dr said, "we didn't have a choice, it was that bad." 

It's been a little over a week since surgery and for the most part I'm doing better but it's still very sore and at times painful.  According to my actual G.I. doctor though I'm doing better than she expected.  She told me today that she's surprised I can even sit upright comfortably.  Thank God for my high pain tolerance is all I can say to that!!!  This surgery though has brought me to the bottom of the barrel though in regards to what choices I have left without allowing them to take more of my organs from me.  I have gotten all upper digestive attacks under control but everything lower is still under attack with no apparent signs of ceasing.  The morning after my surgery my G.I. doctor told me that she was going to start pushing me on the Humira issue and that I needed to give it a try.  I've been praying and asking for prayer all week.  It's in the process of being approved through insurance and should be here next week.  Some parts of me are totally at peace with this and others are completely freaking out. I'm asking for more prayers!!!  The usual saying that it doesn't hurt to try doesn't apply here and there is no guarantee that it will work.  The possible and probable side effects of this medication aren't something that I am taking lightly but at the same time, neither is my quality of life... and right now, I want it back!!!  Please join me in prayer and send me a message if you'd like some more specifics.  I am grateful for any support I can get!!!