Sometimes it's Just One of Those Times

Picking a new team is scarier than scary. It's awesome though that my current Doctors are handpicking their replacements. (Yes, I still have not changed doctors since I moved almost 4 years ago; I just commute.) Look at me, sounding like we're putting together some elite task force, but what can I say, having the right people in place is essential for getting successful results... and as of right now, I need some good results.
I am currently and hopefully on the tail end of another migraine. The second in two and a half weeks, after not have one in months. I don't know if it is medication related but I cannot go back to dealing with these on a regular basis. Three days straight of intense pain and nausea, never knowing when the next will hit, is not living. It seriously zaps every ounce of positivity from my body... Not acceptable!!!
Which makes this so not the blog post that I've been mulling over for the past few days. I had every intention of posting a light-hearted, jab at myself over becoming a hermit since we moved and how much I actually enjoy life from my little piece of heaven.  I'm sure I'll feel like it soon enough. Sooner than later, I hope. 
Despite some strange medical issues, these last few weeks have been laying the foundation for a great 2016 in my business and personal life... I just need to figure out how to tackle the latest hurdle... Quickly!!!
I'm determined to make this my year of getting control over this. There is no other option!!!

Until Next Time...

Living with Intent in 2016

I've heard it so often lately, "2015 was a horrible year for me!"  I can't say that this was the case for our household as we saw so many blessings happen in our life but it definitely was a challenging year at times, to say the least.  Our year started out with my husband deciding that he wanted to go look at houses.  We'd discussed buying a house but never seriously.  I am a planner and I wasn't ready to plan for such a life changing event.  Not even 2 weeks into January though, I found myself riding along with my husband as we just "looked" at a house he had found listed online.  The next morning, without even doing any of the leg work, we made an offer.  By the end of the week, our offer had been accepted and exactly one month from the day we looked at it, it was ours.  I went from thinking we would never be in a place to be able to buy a house to God opening every door, including the door to our first real home as a married couple.  We spent the next month and a half commuting back and forth between our two houses that were almost 4 hours apart and me commuting 3-4.5 hours another direction for Remicade and iron infusions.  By the end of March, we were finally settled in our new home and the fun of home ownership began.

Some of you may not know, but we have horses.  We actually moved into this home with just our mare but as of this summer we now have 2.  We've added a 6 year old gelding to the mix and there was definitely an adjustment period for all.  He's like a 1000lb dog... fun, loving, and a major attention hog!!!  Our whole mentality about horses had to change and we spent (and are still spending) most of our time turning our property into the best possible place for them.  I thought life was expensive before but building fences, hay storage areas, stalls and the cost of feeding them during a year of drought was insane!!!  My perfectly planned budget completely went out the window!!!

Another thing that sent our budget out the window was that I decided in May to start my own business from home and Kindled Soul Designs was born.  I can honestly say that this has been one of the most challenging things that I have ever done.  It has completely taken me out of my comfort zone, taught me a lot about myself, has made me doubt my purpose more than a time or two, and has challenged me to decide what I want from life.  The hours are long, there are more unpaid hours worked than paid, and the balance between work and home life is nearly nonexistent. It definitely hasn't been what I expected it to be but I am crazy grateful for the journey and can't wait to see where 2016 takes it.

The other major challenge this year is still, surprise surprise, my heath. My health hasn't improved all that much this year either.  The move was great and getting out in the country has been good for me but stress is such a trigger in Crohn's.  There's actually a study out now that says that my stress might actually be triggered by my Crohn's and not the other way around... wouldn't that be "funny" if it pans out to be true.  I have started using essential oils and switching everything in my house to chemical free and it has been helping but we just can't find the root issue to get it into remission.  Also, after 3 years, my body decided to build antibodies to the Remicade and I had an allergic reaction after my last infusion.  We just recently started another medication that isn't usually used in Crohn's patients and are 3 weeks into the loading doses so we will see.  The hope isn't to be able to have this medication put me into remission but to have me tolerate it so we can stack it with another one.  To be honest,  I'm over it all again.  The side effects of this medication are by far the worst of any of the previous ones I have been on and could have a lasting effect on my future... but I guess when you're desperate, you'll do pretty much anything.  Okay, sorry to be a Debbie Downer... moving on.

It has been with these challenges this year that I decided on my focus for 2016.  (I don't think I have ever made a New Year's Resolution and probably won't ever but I completely encourage those of you who do.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself, even if you don't end up making it a "habit".)  My focus for 2016 is to live life with intent!!! The challenges are going to come and go, that's never going to change.  Some struggles are overcome but some never seem to go away, so there really isn't a point in letting them stop you from doing what you want to and should be doing. 

~ I want to be more intentional in my marriage.  I want to put it all away when the husband walks in my door and remind him daily how much I appreciate his role in our family.  He is gone for 12-16 hours a day and I want to focus on setting it all aside for few hours that I have with him a day. 

~ I want to be more intentional in my business, my focus, my follow through.  I want to build something that reflects who I am and I want to do it better than my mind tells me I can. 

~ I want to be intentional in my blogging.  I have a tendency to step away from things that I am not consistent with.  That's why I go long periods of time without blogging... if I know that I won't follow through with it, I don't make time for it.  My focus on what I have to say is going to change some in this next year so that I can really use it as a tool in my personal life and maybe as an outlet of my professional life.

~ I want to be intentional in the future I'm building, whether it be my health, our home, my journey.  The daily grind is not what I want.  Sure, daily tasks exist and I will continue to do them all, but I want to do them with intent.  I don't want to get to the end of the day and try and take a moment for myself.  I want to live in the moment.  Find the joy in all things... be grateful in all things... be prayerful in all things... be praising in all things.  I want to let those in around me and let go of those cause me hurt.  I want to take time for me intentionally.. not as a last resort and not at the end of the day when I'm too tired to hold my head up.  I want to live a purpose driven life.

~ Lastly, I want more intentional in my relationship with God and with other in my life.  I don't want the people that are in my life to just be apart of my life, I want them to be present in my life as much as possible.  I have a tendency to get caught up in my own little world and I don't want to... no matter how gorgeous it is here.  I want my home to be filled with as much laughter and love as possible this next year.  So (hint, hint) friends and family... get up here and share it with us.  My travelling days are getting more and more numbered and will continue to be as I transition all my health care to more local locations.

The husband and I are spending New Year's Eve at home tonight for the first time in the past 17-18 (can't remember which) NYEs that we've been spending them together.  It's a little different, but kind of perfect to ring it in with just my favorite person in the entire world.  Much love from us to you and I pray that you allow God to bless you abundantly in 2016!!!  Let me know what your plans for 2016 are.

Until Next Time...



Thunderstorms and Clear Blue Skies

Oh my goodness, I'm actually sitting down and using our computer!  It almost feels like a miracle... to be actually sitting down and also to be typing on something that doesn't fit in the palm of my hands!  It has be a CRAZY past 5 1/2 months!!!  It was a super dark time filled with one thunderstorm after another and I am so thankful to be looking at the clear blue skies ahead!!!

The end of October I got sick, really sick.  I blogged about it so I won't go into too much detail but let's just say it got worse, a lot worse.  By the middle of December I couldn't handle the pain any more and was pretty much bed ridden. On December 17th I ended up having a procedure done to figure out what was going on inside and to alleviate some of my pain.  Let's just say that it did more harm than good...  Immediate after coming out of recovery, I could tell that my speech was slurred and that my tongue felt funny but the nurses thought that I'd bit my tongue and that the breathing tube might have scratched the top of my throat as it was being taken out.  I was still pretty groggy from coming out of the anesthesia so I really didn't know what was what.  When I got back to my parents' house, I was still slurring all my words so I was showing them where I bit my tongue and my dad gave me a funny look and said, "I think something is wrong, your tongue is crooked!"  So I looked and this is what it looked like...

After it wasn't any better the next day and my speech was the same, I called my surgeon and he sent me straight to the emergency room to be checked out to make sure that I hadn't had a stroke while I was under sedation.  I was diagnosed with Unilateral Hypoglossal Nerve Palsy.  It means that there was damage to my 12th nerve from the breathing tube during surgery.  There has only been 5 other reported cases of this happening ever, so I was like the freak in Room 12.  I was visited by every ER nurse and doctor and some even came over from the rest of the hospital to take a look.  I also learned that it could be permanent and that only one case had a fully recovery (after 5 months of therapy).  Thank God though my speech improved after 2 weeks!!! My tongue is still crooked but not nearly as bad.  My neurologist can't find any damage to any other area that the 12th nerve controls so I will take that as a blessing!!! 

The reason we did the procedure in the first place didn't pan out either.  The pain and the flare just wouldn't go away and I was continuing to lose weight like crazy!!!  By the middle of January, I was down 18 pounds and on a small framed girl like me, there isn't many places the weight can come from!  I felt like I didn't know who I was any more.  My life felt SO out of control and to top it off, my husband's job was coming to an end and we had to figure out where to go next.  And then BOOM... without any preparation or putting any extra money aside, my husband decided that we were going to buy a house!!!  He literally said it, he found a house he liked, we contacted a real estate agent, she showed us the house a few days later, we came home and got financing, put in an offer, and closed exactly one month after the day we looked at the house... it was one of the quickest closings that I'd ever seen!!!  But oh my goodness, was it stressful on me (especially since I had no clue what to expect)!  Trying to read and sign everything, and communicate with a real estate agent, a loan officer and your spouse (who wanted me to be the one to handle everything) while you are in so much pain, weak, and suffering from the most severe and constant migraines of my life had me living in a dark room and only getting up to find the next piece of information they needed or to go throw up whatever small amount of food I had managed to get down!

Once it was all over though, I had one last storm to get through... the actual moving and commuting between the 2 houses.  We weren't expecting to find something so soon and close so quickly so I ended up packing the house after we signed and we rented a uhaul the same weekend and moved the majority of our stuff to our new house... 4 hours away from the current one we were living in!!!  It was crazy! We spend Valentine's Day moving and returned the next day.  For the next month, I commuted back and forth between both houses weekly and we had so many extra trips to get the rest of our stuff because my husband was living at the old house while I was living at the new one.  Finally in mid-March, my husband got his lay-off and we were officially both in our new house!!!  

We have been crazy busy! The house is small but perfect for the two of us but there are many projects ahead to make it our own!  So far we've gotten a new refrigerator and a washer and dryer.  So happy to not be using our TINY refrigerator any more and not to look at it after my husband put it down on top of my foot... I'll save you the gory pictures of that one (my foot is still bruised and messed up but at least it isn't broken).  We've also started on our project list.  My husband is AMAZING and can build anything I ask and never stops working so we make the perfect team... I design and he makes it come to life.  He's already built me shelving in the linen closet, made me a new custom closet, and built shelving in our laundry room/pantry.  I'll post all those later as we finish things up but for now, I'll leave you some pictures of the view!  It's literally heaven on earth here!!!

One side of our house faces Whitehorse Mountain!

These are the mountains on the other side of the house!

And this is the view from my living room window!!!

See why I'm in love!!!

... and one more because it's just so dang gorgeous!!!

Enjoy your Easter/Resurrection Sunday!!! 

Until next time...

Living in a Constant State of Being "Not Out of the Woods Yet"

I haven't written about Crohn's in a while because part of the battle of dealing with a chronic illness is that it can kind of be depressing and people sometimes don't understand that you may need to talk about it and it's not because you're trying to complain or get sympathy. It's hard and some days are REALLY hard and after a few weeks of only days that are hard and really hard, it's time to talk about it. Like it or not, that's where I am at tonight.

A few months ago my gastroenterologist decided that labs were coming back great and I hadn't been admitted to the hospital in a while but my Crohn's was still showing no signs of going into remission. We had my Remicade infusions on an every 8 week schedule but I was still going into a full flare by week 6 until about a week after each infusion (essentially still spending almost half of my time in full flare mode). The only thing that keeps me out of the hospital at this point is that I rarely heal from one fistula to the next so my tissue has no time to repair before it's ripped apart again and due to that lack of strength and healing time, that breakdown is doing part of the job my surgeon would be doing if I went in. My gastroenterologist thought we should get a little more aggressive with the Remicade and change me to an every 6 week schedule.

In September I had my first infusion at the 6 week mark and wouldn't you know it, I was doing great and then flared at the 4 week mark (again, like before, 2 weeks before my infusion). I was shocked but thought maybe my body was just off and after my next Remicade, I'd start to feel better again. I had my 2nd infusion on the new 6 week rotation 4 weeks ago now but I never got any relief. I've essentially been in between hard and really hard days for 6 straight weeks now with the last 2.5 being nothing short of torturous on my body. The last 3 days have had me praying like a mad woman and the husband and I going back and forth on whether it was time to make the long drive to the hospital. On Sunday night I looked at him and said, I think I'm down for the count. He asked if that meant I was ready to go and I asked for 2 more days. He said, I just wish there was something I could do for you and I thought about it (wishing there was something too) for a minute and responded, you could come pray with me. My husband looks hard at me, immediately turns off the tv, and comes and sits down on the couch where I'm laying, grabs my hands, and starts to pray, hard! Yes, I'm seriously blessed by him and will never forget that I am married to a very special man!!! I don't know the reason for my struggles but I never doubt God has a plan for them.

Since Sunday night, I have been "down for the count" with a few moments of short lived attempts to throw in a load of laundry or make food and read about a hundred random texts from my husband while he's at work making sure that I'm "relaxing" or  "resting" (both in quotations because they are nearly impossible when you are in pain). The pain has been increasing at a steady rate with tonight bringing me to a point where I almost asked my husband to come home. I decided to play doctor on myself (I'll spare you all the details) and have finally got some of the pressure of one of the abscessing fistulas to release but I'm definitely 'not out if the woods yet." With that being said, I'm sort of laying/sitting on a heating pad right now so the heat can draw more of these nasty "toxins" out of my body so the swelling can go down, I can get some healing going on in this "broken" body, get some strength back, get my booty out of bed, and get back to life as I know it.

Any extra prayers you can send up would be amazing and much appreciated and I'll leave you with a few quotes, which have seem to become my norm here :)

Never forget what you are going though always has something for you to learn.

Let your struggle make you stronger

and share what you've learned!!!

Until Next Time...

Self Induced Chaos

It's taken me all day to decide what to write for well, two reasons.  One, because I am always inspired by the title and two, well, I am a procrastinator (I can admit it).  When I was younger, I was your typical procrastinator, to the extreme that I waited until the night before my science project was due to tell my parents about it (and that I was supposed to be doing it with a friend and we needed to go to the craft store... it was the best one in class though)!!!  Today, I'm not your typical procrastinator in the sense that I love to stay busy and love be useful at all times but I just do not have the energy!  I know, you're probably saying "yeah, yeah, yeah, join the club."  Truth is though, it's something that you just can't understand unless your have an autoimmune disease or something else that literally is causing your body to fight and harm itself (cancer, etc.).  It is the craziest thing and definitely one of the most difficult things about having Crohn's!!! I feel like I could fall asleep at any moment, I yawn ALL day long, never truly wake up (even though I never really sleep well either), and decide how I can do everything sitting down so I won't get too tired... I haven't stood up to shave my legs in the shower in years (no joke)!!! I've tried juicing and other drinks like it, Spark, and caffeine to no avail.  It's ridiculous, seriously!!! But anyway, this whole random run on really wasn't my point.

Self Induced Chaos... or Crohn's Induced Chaos, haven't really decided which yet or if it's both or if there is a difference at the moment. 

I always keep a long TO DO list in my household binder and my goal is to check one big thing off it a week in addition to my daily lists.  For example, it could be: a craft project, an organization project, getting my concealed weapons permit (crossed off), gutting and taking stuff to the Goodwill, taking our glass bottles to the recycling center (since the company refuses to pick them up even though the drop off location is their facility), or this week's... re-applying or renewing mine and my husband's passports.  I was done with my husband's and halfway through my form when I got online to do some research about a question I had and I realized that we both qualified for a renewal, even though both our passports had expired after we got married and that I could fill out the form online and print them off to mail.  Easy enough right?!?!  Nope, Self Induced Chaos!!!  Dang, there is something about having to fill out a government form that causes automatic stress and no one likes to have to do the same thing over again multiple times because you made a mistake.  I totally thought I was in the clear until I got to the whole name change part.  In the state I live in, there is no legal form to change your name once you get married and our marriage certificate makes no assumptions that you will be changing your last name.  So I go searching online for help, BIG MISTAKE, it's exactly like why you should never go to WebMD when you are not feeling good and self diagnose yourself... your cold or flu like symptoms start to look like cancer by the time you are done!  Everyone was saying different things but again, my state doesn't give you actual proof you change your name unless you court petition it, so I guess I'll send my marriage certificate in and see what happens.

Crohn's Induced Chaos... my house is a disaster!!! Okay well probably not really a disaster but definitely by my standards (and probably my husband's as well). Again, how do messy houses have to do with Crohn's, well, it probably has a lot to do with my earlier rambling about lack of energy and motivation.  That, and the fact that my surgeon put me on antibiotics for the next 3 months and they are making me "sick as a dog," for lack of a better analogy. I've only twice in my entire life been able to take antibiotics without having to stop due to them making me sick.  I'm trying to stick it out because it's a course we haven't be able to try before but if the extreme nausea and headaches do not go away soon, I am definitely pulling the plug on this attempt also!!! 

Ugh, next time I'll have something better to share!!! So, I'll leave you with these few thoughts and a good thing about my week.

 



Always true!!!

 



We all have struggles and also the ability to make others' loads lighter!!!

 

 

... and my highlight of the week!!! Harvesting some of our garden with my husband!!!

Imuran (azathioprine)

Here's some reading material on the new drug that my Doctor has put me on.  I highlighted a few areas of concern that I have. I have been fighting taking this medication for almost a year now but I just want to be healthy and live a "normal" life like everyone else.  I don't know what the future holds and this isn't the direction that I wanted to go... but I'm trusting that there is a reason for all of this and that everything I am going through has a purpose.

Warnings:

Azathioprine may increase your risk of developing certain types of cancer, especially skin cancer and lymphoma (cancer that begins in the cells that fight infection). If you have had a kidney transplant, there may be a higher risk that you will develop cancer even if you do not take azathioprine. Tell your doctor if you have or have ever had cancer and if you are taking or have ever taken alkylating agents such as chlorambucil (Leukeran), cyclophosphamide (Cytoxan), or melphalan (Alkeran) for cancer. To decrease the risk that you will develop skin cancer, avoid prolonged or unnecessary exposure to sunlight and wear protective clothing, sunglasses, and sunscreen. Tell your doctor immediately if you notice any changes in your skin or any lumps or masses anywhere in your body.

Some teenage and young adult males who took azathioprine alone or with another medication called a tumor necrosis factor (TNF) blocker to treat Crohn's disease (a condition in which the body attacks the lining of the digestive tract causing pain, diarrhea, weight loss, and fever) or ulcerative colitis (condition in which sores develop in the intestines causing pain and diarrhea) developed hepatosplenic T-cell lymphoma (HSTCL). HSTCL is a very serious type of cancer that often causes death within a short period of time. Azathioprine has not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis, but doctors may sometimes prescribe azathioprine to treat these conditions. If you develop any of these symptoms during your treatment, call your doctor immediately: stomach pain; fever; unexplained weight loss; night sweats or easy bruising or bleeding.

Azathioprine can cause a decrease in the number of blood cells in your bone marrow, which may cause serious or life-threatening infections. The risk that the number of blood cells that you have will decrease is highest if you have a genetic (inherited) risk factor. Your doctor may order a test to see if you have this risk factor before or during your treatment. Taking certain medications may also increase the risk that your blood cells will decrease, so tell your doctor if you are taking any of the following: angiotensin converting enzyme (ACE) inhibitors such as benazepril (Lotensin), captopril, enalapril (Vasotec), fosinopril, lisinopril (Prinivil, Zestril), moexipril (Univasc), perindopril (Aceon), quinapril (Accupril), Ramipril (Altace), or trandolapril (Mavik); trimethoprim and sulfamethoxazole (Bactrim, Septra); and ribavirin (Copegus, Rebetol, Virazole). If you experience any of the following symptoms, call your doctor immediately: unusual bleeding or bruising; excessive tiredness; pale skin; headache; confusion; dizziness; fast heartbeat; difficulty sleeping; weakness; shortness of breath; and sore throat, fever, chills, and other signs of infection. Your doctor will order tests before, during, and after your treatment to see if your blood cells are affected by this medication.

 What special precautions should I follow?

Before taking azathioprine,

• tell your doctor and pharmacist if you are allergic to azathioprine, any other medications, or any of the ingredients in azathioprine tablets. Ask your doctor or pharmacist for a list of the ingredients.
• tell your doctor and pharmacist what prescription and nonprescription medications, vitamins, nutritional supplements, and herbal products you are taking or plan to take. Be sure to mention the medications mentioned in the IMPORTANT WARNING section and any of the following: allopurinol (Zyloprim); aminosalicylates such as mesalamine (Apriso, Asacol, Pentasa, others), olsalazine (Dipentum), and sulfasalazine (Azulfidine); and anticoagulants ('blood thinners') such as warfarin (Coumadin). Your doctor may need to change the doses of your medications or monitor you carefully for side effects.
• tell your doctor if you have any type of infection, or if you have or have ever had kidney disease.
• tell your doctor if you are pregnant, plan to become pregnant, or are breast-feeding. You should use birth control to be sure you or your partner will not become pregnant while you are taking this medication. Call your doctor if you or your partner become pregnant while you are taking azathioprine. Azathioprine may harm the fetus.
• if you are having surgery, including dental surgery, tell the doctor or dentist that you are taking azathioprine.
• do not have any vaccinations during or after your treatment without talking to your doctor.
 

What side effects can this medication cause?

Azathioprine may cause side effects. Tell your doctor if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away:

• nausea
• vomiting
• diarrhea

Some side effects can be serious. If you experience any of the following symptoms or those listed in the IMPORTANT WARNING section, call your doctor immediately.

• rash
• fever
• weakness
• muscle pain

Azathioprine or 6‐mercaptopurine for maintenance of remission in Crohn's disease

 

Azathioprine (1.0 to 2.5 mg/kg/day) used among patients with non‐active Crohn's disease is effective for reducing the risk of disease recurrence over a 6 month to 2 year period. Higher doses of azathioprine (2.5 mg/kg/day) are more effective than lower doses (1.0 or 2.0 mg/kg/day) for preventing disease recurrence. There is also evidence that azathioprine may reduce the need for steroid treatment which could help reduce steroid related side effects.  Azathioprine appears to be more effective than 6‐mercaptopurine but this may be due to the relatively low dose of 6‐mercaptopurine (50 mg/day) used in the one study assessing this drug.  The long‐term effectiveness of azathioprine and 6‐mercaptopurine is unclear due to the short duration of the studies (6 months to 2 years). Azathioprine and 6‐mercaptopurine appear to be slow acting drugs. They are associated with some uncommon but serious side effects. These include suppression of the body's ability to produce white blood cells (which fight infection) and platelets (which allow blood clotting to occur), inflammation of the pancreas and an increased risk of lymphoma. Patients who may benefit from this therapy include those whose Crohn's disease is chronically active or flares frequently. Azathioprine or 6‐mercaptopurine may also benefit patients who are dependent on steroids but have experienced steroid side effects, or for whom steroids no longer work. The choice to use azathioprine or 6‐mercaptopurine should be made after careful consideration of the risks and benefits of using these drugs.

Has It Already Been a Year?!?!

It's crazy to think that it's been over a year since my last post!!!  There are SO many changes in my life since my last post that I'll try and sum it up as quickly as possible so I can move on to life as I know it today... there still so much going on!

2011

* Had setons removed because my body seemed to be healing.
* Aug 15th, I was admitted to the hospital for yet another abscess drainage and spent my mother's birthday having surgery.  As a result, we stopped the Humira injections because they were obviously not working to stop the fistulas and abscesses.
* Returned to the hospital again on October 25th and spent my sister's birthday having surgery for ANOTHER fistula and abscess drainage.
* Less than a month later on November 16th, I was back for my 3rd surgery in 4 months and my fourth for 2011... and again for the same reasons.

I returned back to work after each surgery as soon as I thought I could... but definitely didn't take the time that I should have.  Call it being stubborn, a Taurus, my mother's child... I am all of the aforementioned. I mostly did it because I felt like I was a burden to my co-workers.  My body was exhausted and was not getting enough time to heal in between attacks even without returning to work. It was a ROUGH and EMOTIONAL time for me!!!

My husband, doctors, and I decided that we should give the Humira another try but decided that this time we would change my injections to once a week instead of two injections every two weeks.  Same amount of medication but more frequent injections.

2012

* January/February - Said "See you later" to some of my best friends from work due to position eliminations, retirements, and new jobs.  The hubby also moved 3 hours away from me to take a new job.
* March - Humira seemed to stop working as well again.  By the end of the month I was having full blown reactions to the injections (it looked as if baseballs were trying to come out of my skin!!!).  That was the end of my Humira injections.
* April - Started the month off right by taking a week off to spend up north with my husband, celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary and 14 years of being together.  Much needed!!! The day before I returned to work we started the loading doses for Remicade and I started packing to move out of our apartment to parts unknown.  By the end of the month it was clear that I needed to focus on myself and be close to my husband.  The day that I decided to give my notice, I was actually called into the office to be told that my position was eliminated.  That night I turned in my keys to our apartment and closed the chapter of our lives in Vancouver.
* May - Moved 3 hours away from my family to join my husband in the 2 family home he was renting with his brother and his family but returning every few weeks for my iron infusions and Remicade doses.
* June - Was blessed with the birth of a new nephew but also lost my grandmother to cancer.  Her passing was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to endure... even through my Crohn's battles.  My grandfather told me at her graveside service that she left me all of her strength to help me get through this and trust me, when I am down, I remember those words!!!
* July - Enjoying life but my health is not getting better.  Spent most of the month in A LOT of pain.  Finished my loading doses for the Remicade but already not seeing the results that we'd hoped for.

And here we are all the way to August...  I welcomed another nephew, this one from my own sister :)  Also, visited my GI doctor who agreed that our results are not what she'd hoped for as well and would like to run tests to see if I have enough Remicade running through my system.  She also started me on another medication called Imuran along with the Remicade to see if we can hit this harder.  I took my first dose tonight... but that's a whole other post that I'll have to save for tomorrow :)

An Update Over Due

Can't believe it's almost been two months since my last post?!?!  What can I say, I'm a work in progress!!!  There's been so many times that I have sat down to update but most times I log on just to turn around and log back off because I'm not quite sure what to write.  It's not that I don't have a lot to say but I'm definitely one that likes to look towards the positive and to be honest... I'm just not feeling it.

Let's start from the beginning... I started Humira on April 14th. I do not want to go into the details (the main reason this post took so long) but let's just say those first 4 shots at the doctor's office were unnerving.  I thought that I was there for teaching and she would show me how for the first 6 shots (4 that day and 2, two weeks later) but after the first shot, it was all me. Ugh... I'm getting "butterflies" in my stomach just thinking about it again.  The injections hurt!!!  It's not just the shot but the medication itself hurts going into my body.  Not sure what I expected but it definitely wasn't that.  The nurse and I decided that maybe the hubby should do my injections for me going forward just so I wouldn't have to deal with psyching myself out and we could just get it over with.  Ever heard the saying, "paybacks are a..." well the hubby agrees 100% and has no problem giving me my shots.  The good part is though, is that he has just enough understanding for what I am going through with enough "no nonsense" to get business done.

We made it through the start up doses before we hit the first snag... I got a cold.  A cold has never been a big deal for me before but when you no longer have an immune system, everyone starts to get a little concerned. I got it right after my last start up dose and it had only gotten worse by the time it was time for my first maintenance dose (2 weeks later).  The Dr immediately said no to my next dose and that if it wasn't better in the next few days then they wanted to look at my white cell count. A few days later came and it was traveling into my chest. They sent me in to check for pneumonia and thank God, the x-rays came back negative.  It took another week before my Dr felt it was safe to try again.  An entire week later than I should have waited.  The big thing with Humira is that you need to keep a certain amount of it in your system at all times which is why you have to give yourself an injection every two weeks.  The Dr gives you 12 weeks to see if it's working well enough before they pull you off and I'd hate to go through all of this to have it not work because I can't take it like I'm supposed to.  Anyway, back on my doses again.  I don't really notice any difference but I can say that the 3 weeks that I was off of it, I was extremely tired again.  So even though I don't really feel it, it must be doing something :)

Other than that, I turned 30 on the 9th of May.  Age is definitely just a number to me but at the same time I really don't feel like I've been on this earth for 30 years.  How does it go by so fast?!?!  My hubby has now been apart of my life for half of it and we've been together 45% of it :)  How crazy is that!!!

Well I know there's more to catch up on but that's it for now, the time clock is calling my name :)

An Online Enemy of Sorts

I've been searching all night for blogs of others with Crohn's Disease in hopes of finding someone else's journey that I could relate to or see how this wonderful and lovely (major sarcasm there) disease affects others.  I have to say that they are not many.  That's a good and a bad thing depending on which way you care to look at it.  What ending up happening though was that I had a revelation that thoroughly freaked me out and is definitely not healthy for my state of being at the moment.

Everyone's journey with Crohn's Disease is different.  It unfortunately has the capability to jump all over your digestive tract which is why everyone does not respond the same to the disease or treatments.  I've never found anyone with likeness to my journey.

Here's the shortened (ha ha... that's a joke) version my last 14+ year journey with Crohn's: 

I was diagnosed at 15 with Ulcerative Colitis after being told for a month that it was just a really bad stomach flu (thank goodness for my strong willed amazing mother who knew better than that).  I was immediately put on Salfasalazine and after a while I started to feel better so I weaned myself off of it.  The spring of my Jr year in h.s.  I became extremely ill again, went back on the meds, and immediately made an appointment to see a G.I. (which was booked until July).  By the 4th of July I was so sick that I could eat and couldn't take my meds because I threw EVERYTHING up, even water.  My amazing boyfriend (now husband) spent those last few days carrying me around because I was too weak to stand longer than a few moments.  On the day of my appointment, the G.I. took one look at me and said that she was admitting me into the hospital and we could talk after I was checked in.  That first stay at Doernbecher's Children's Hospital was 31 days.  During which time I was put on TPN (a feeding tube that bypasses the stomach) so that my colon could rest but it didn't do what they'd hoped and 3 weeks into my journey they let me know that I needed to have my colon removed. My family prayed and talked but the doctors said that at this point there wasn't any other choice. They showed me the horrible pictures of what my poor colon looked like but it wasn't until after I came out of surgery that they told me that if I hadn't gone with the surgery when I did or even at all, that my colon would have burst and all that poison in there would have killed me.  This also was the first I'd heard of Crohn's (the un-curable sibling to U.C.) but they wouldn't know one way or the other til they looked at it during surgery.  Best case scenario they should be able to create a j-pouch on the inside with my small intestines so I wouldn't have to have a permanent colostomy on the outside of my body at 17.  The whole process would take 3 surgeries to complete during the course of next 6 months (wasn't quite how I thought of spending my senior year in h.s.).  Surgery went well and they were 100% sure they were dealing with U.C. and not Crohn's which meaned that life would go on as normal after I healed because without a colon you can't have U.C.  I made it through my senior year very exhausted, not at school a whole lot, and a little cautious (hiding a temporary ileostomy can do that to a teenage girl) but with high hopes for the future.

I started college that next fall really excited but still feeling really exhausted.  I kept getting what they called pouchitis - an infection to the little reservoir they'd created for me.  I also never returned the health they expected me to.  During my sophomore year I lost my health insurance and it all started down hill from there.  That summer I exhausted myself that my anemia became so bad that my legs became covered in welts that looked like someone had hit me repeatedly with a baseball bat.  From there I got my first fistula.  I had no idea what was going on or what it was and no doctor to talk to.  I went to the emergency room and came home in tears because the doctor had no idea what I was talking about tried to tell me it was an STD (I was a virgin and not sexually active).  It would heal and go away and then return.  I was hospitalized many times over the course of my Jr and senior year in college and it even caused it so that I only completely my degree as far as I could to graduate... completely missing out on completing my program and student teaching.

It wasn't until after college that my mom could get me on her health insurance for a short while.  I went back to the doctor and they kept saying how they must have missed some of the U.C.  It wasn't until I had a major fistula that sent me to the emergency room that we finally started talking about Crohn's.  The light bulb:  U.C. doesn't have fistulas but Crohn's does... and Crohn's is not curable.  I then found out the next big blow.  In Crohn's you never want to do a complete removal of an organ because the disease will just attack another digestive organ, you are just supposed to do re-sectioning.  But I'll never know if the right choice was made to just take it all out... I mean I saw the pictures and they were really bad... but my doctor's not around to ask, he's now called Dr. Death and sitting in jail after being charged with errors that caused the deaths of many of his patients... but who's to say whether it was a mistake or it was just the way that my path with this disease was taking.  I lost my insurance again due to age but got set up with a Dr during one fistula surgery that was willing to help out however he could.  He got me set up with Pentasa and infusions of Remicade but both were too expensive without insurance that I was told I couldn't continue without paying my bill.  I really wasn't on it long enough to know if it worked but once off you can't go back because you become allergic.

This roller coaster has been they craziest thing.  It's only gotten worse as time has gone on.  My worst fistula was 2 years ago and came 3 months before we got married.  This one decided to travel outside of my digestive tract into another organ and I had to take an entire month off of work to re-cooperate... re-cooperate, not heal.  My poor husband, being married to me must be a nightmare.  Neither one of us had any clue that the road was about to get so bumpy... nothing in the past 11 years of our relationship had prepared us for the newness Crohn's had in store for our future.  Each fistula has gotten worse... to the point that I'm starting Humira next week (which I've done everything possible to avoid).

Thinking about my journey and everyone else's tonight is what freaked me out so much.  Tonight I saw a picture of a woman who had a fistula that traveled out to her tummy by attacking a scar from a previous surgery.  Sounds disgusting and scary but it's not what scared me.  What scared me is:

1. I can control most of this disease but I can't control the fistulas. From what I've read, anyone who's ever "cured" their Crohn's has never had a fistula.
2. I can't have a resection to remove part of the disease like everyone else because none of my fistulas begin in any place that can be removed without removing the little hope that I have for not having a permanent colostomy for the rest of my life.  As my Dr says, we loose that and we loose all other options.
3.  If these injections don't work, outside of some miraculous healing, I am out of options
4.  I'm scared -- I can't stand admitting it but I am.  I've been strong for 14+ years.  I'm always the optimist.  I'm not worried about getting through this... I have a blessed life and will no matter what.  But how am I going to feel if it doesn't work and this disease will have stomped on every path I thought I was supposed to travel down.  What will happen to the things that I cherish most if this same path keeps it's unending circular shape and nothing changes?!?!

Sorry to unload this but I can't wake up the hubby to confess my fears because we both have to be at work in a couple hours and he needs his sleep. 

Just goes to show you that all the information on the Internet isn't good for you ;)

Quick Update

It's been almost exactly two weeks to the hour since I got out of surgery and I have to say that I've felt better.  Overall, I have been doing much better but this recovery is a lot sorer than some of the other times.  Just when I think that I'm well on the road of recovery my body will just start aching (for lack of a better word) all over again. But I'd definitely rather deal with this than how I felt pre-surgery any day :)

The real update though is that I heard from the company who was setting up getting me on the Humira and... the order is being processed and will be here on Tuesday.  Completely freaking out here!!!  I called the Dr's office and we have my teaching and first injection set up for Thursday.  Ugh, one week from today.  I am still a mix of emotions but I know that God's not going to put me in any situation that I can't handle either way it goes.  Thank you God for that!!!  So we shall see.  I welcome all of your thoughts and prayers these next few weeks.  I'm going to need them!!!

I know this is a fairly unknown disease and topic for some so if you have any questions... just ask!!!  Education is the key, not to mention that talking about it helps me sort out what I know and feel :)

I'm Going Left... No, I Mean Right

So, I failed....

Not really, but my number one and two priorities didn't happen.  Apparently someone had other plans for me.  I managed to barely make it through my husband's 30th birthday weekend extravaganza with some major help from a dear friend and one of my sister-in-laws (thanks ladies).  It was only by the grace of God that I physically made it through though.  That weekend plus two days of struggling through work and my body put it's foot down on my priorities.  One crying phone call to my boss about how sorry I was that I couldn't even stand up long enough to get ready for work and I knew that this wasn't going to get any better.  I got off of the phone with her and made the call to my Dr's office.  The first response was that she (my doctor) was booked all the way out til June but since I was in bad shape they were going to find her to see what she could do.  A matter of minutes later they were calling me back to say that my surgeon saw this and wanted to see me the next day after he got out of surgery... aww crap was all I could say, however as far I knew at this point he could also take one look at me and say that it looks like it hurts but nothing's infected yet and I was going to have to wait it out.

Talk about one of the longest and painfullest nights of my life.

The next afternoon I had the hubby drive me to OHSU.  Definitely shouldn't have been driving myself for sure and it also was a precaution so that I wouldn't be alone just in case the worse case scenario happened (surgery).  I don't think that I've ever waited so long to see a doctor... but I knew exactly why it was taking so long.  See, my surgeon has known me long enough to know that if I actually drag my butt into their office then there is something really wrong, so he was putting other patients in front of me so that he would be able to take me right into surgery if needed.  The problem was that the longer I waited though the more worried I got that there wasn't going to be anything that he could do and I was going to leave in the same amount of pain that I arrived in but with a more than irritated hubby who'd been sitting in the waiting room for well over an hour at this point.  His medical student kept on checking on me and asking me more questions which I have to say was making me a little crazy.  Finally my surgeon walked into the door.  He asked me two questions and immediately after I answered said, "Well you know I'm going to have to take a look now." "I kind of figured that," was all I could say.  A two second peek and response of, "Ohhh-kayyy" was all I got.  Darn it, I knew what that meant.  We went through the same routine:  well, it's definitely an abscess... dang it... well, I can try and drain it here... um okay, but you know how well I do with that...  well, you'll feel some instant relief if it works...  okay, but you'd better get my husband so I can break his hand.  Hubby comes in the room thinking who knows what and my Dr sits him down and shows him how to hold his hand and fingers so I don't break them while he makes the incision.  A little numbing and it's time to do this.  One cut and I scream and I do mean scream... whole body, head to toe, no way of controlling it scream.  I've only screamed twice in my life before this and the first time was the first and last time he'd tried to do this same thing 2.5 years prior and the second was in the car after wards on the ride up to the hospital because by trying to drain it only made it worse.  Instantly I started to sob... the tears flowed for so many reasons.  I cried for feeling like a baby because I felt like I should be able to take the pain.  I cried because I screamed.  I cried because of the pain.  I cried because I knew that because he couldn't get it drained that he'd have to do surgery. 

I get myself back in check because this is my reality... this is my life.

We sign all the consent forms and he tells me that he wants me to stay overnight this time so we need to get headed up to the hospital to get checked into my room before surgery.  It's getting late and hubby has to be up for work at 4am so I call my parents to come so he can go home but of course he won't go until he's sure that it all goes okay.  Surgery gets scheduled for 11pm and I am still in the process of getting checked into my room when all of a sudden they're at the door to take me to surgery 2 1/2 hours early... guess that's one way to not have time to get nervous.  A few questions from the doctors and a few kisses from my wonderful husband and it was off to sleep for me. 

The surgery went fine but they found a lot more infection and damage than anticipated which was why trying to drain it in the clinic didn't work.  I woke up with another seton in, which was exactly what I'd asked them not to do if at all possible but as the Dr said, "we didn't have a choice, it was that bad." 

It's been a little over a week since surgery and for the most part I'm doing better but it's still very sore and at times painful.  According to my actual G.I. doctor though I'm doing better than she expected.  She told me today that she's surprised I can even sit upright comfortably.  Thank God for my high pain tolerance is all I can say to that!!!  This surgery though has brought me to the bottom of the barrel though in regards to what choices I have left without allowing them to take more of my organs from me.  I have gotten all upper digestive attacks under control but everything lower is still under attack with no apparent signs of ceasing.  The morning after my surgery my G.I. doctor told me that she was going to start pushing me on the Humira issue and that I needed to give it a try.  I've been praying and asking for prayer all week.  It's in the process of being approved through insurance and should be here next week.  Some parts of me are totally at peace with this and others are completely freaking out. I'm asking for more prayers!!!  The usual saying that it doesn't hurt to try doesn't apply here and there is no guarantee that it will work.  The possible and probable side effects of this medication aren't something that I am taking lightly but at the same time, neither is my quality of life... and right now, I want it back!!!  Please join me in prayer and send me a message if you'd like some more specifics.  I am grateful for any support I can get!!!

The Cycle of Starting Over

It's back to square one... and let me tell you, it's the last place I want to be right now.  It isn't just that I don't want to be here right now but I don't have the TIME to be here right now!!!  I work full time where it's anything but M-F/9-5, take care of almost everything at home, try to be a good wife, all the while this weekend I'm throwing TWO different birthday parties for my husband's 30th.  So Crohn's didn't have a spot on my TO DO list.

Not that I didn't see it coming.

I get at least one fairly big flare up at least once a month but thank God that they usually only last for a few days. But this one has been building probably since I took that first bite of something that I probably should NOT have eaten months ago.  It's "funny" how something so small spirals into something we can't control.  Man, I feel like I'm starting to talk about sin here ;)  I've had all the warning signs that something big was coming but I'm not one who wants to believe that I can't control this disease.  Believe me, for the most part there is nothing that I can actually do to prevent it.  In all of their research they aren't sure yet how to stop this disease or even control it.  There are things that help but Crohn's really does have a mind of it's own.  Whatever it is that causes it is what is sending the lovely un-necessary poisons through my body to attack and kill the organs of my digestive track. But on Sunday, the attack hit in high speed...  immediately I got really hot, my head started pounding, I felt clammy, and very dizzy as the pain of the disease creating yet another tunnel through my body took place. When I say tunnel, I am being literal.  Due to my severity of Crohn's, I get what's called "fistulas."  Fistulas are the effect of the poison reeking havoc on my body so that it creates just that, tunnels through my organs and tissue... some times all the way through to my skin.  It's the one part of Crohn's that no matter what I do, I can't seem to stop.  The pain is horrible and standing up makes it worse because gravity pulls down on these tender areas.  The light headed-ness is always my warning sign that it's only going to get worse.  By the grace of God I made it home that night and somehow mobile the next day but when I got home on Monday my body decided that it was time to shut down... no if, ands, or buts. Today I was forced into a day of rest due to the fact that power to stand longer than a few minutes wasn't something that I could do without tears of frustration streaming down my face.  I feel lost and out of control... something that I CANNOT stand!!! 

I don't care what I have to do, staying OUT and AWAY from the hospital and another surgery is #1 on my priority list.  Okay, well maybe #2 because my real priority is getting myself out of this mess.

I just want to cry!!! I want to put on my jammies, curl up in a ball next to my husband, make him listen to my worries, wipe my tears, and have him hold me until all of the emotions wear away and I fall asleep.  But honestly, what's the point?!?!  The other part of me took a shower today, got dressed, dried my hair for maybe the second time in MONTHS, put on some make up and a fake smile to either hide the fact that it's gotten this bad again to those around me and/or to deny to myself that it's anything other than just a normal day.  Why let my emotions get the best of me?!?!  It's not the first time I've had a major flare up and unfortunately it probably won't be the last.  One of the hardest parts of all this is the emotional damage that it causes.  It doesn't get any easier each time and it actually seems harder because it is even more frustrating each time... not to mention the toll it takes on everything around me: my marriage, work, those I care about, my commitments, even down to my ability to get out of bed... the list goes ON and ON!!! 

So anyway, I just had to get it out before I start to bawl or blow up... I'm teetering back and forth!!!  Tomorrow begins a liquid diet for me to cleanse my poor body for hopefully the next 3 days... then we'll see.  Send a prayer out for me as I start this cycle again.  I am still trying to avoid having to give myself shots every two weeks for the rest of my life (which is my last option for treating this thing) of a drug that may or may not even work.  There's got to be a better way... a better quality of life!!!  I'll update as the days go on.

Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am

Monday was my 2 month follow up for my blood and iron levels... one of the lovely side affects that Crohn's has on my body.  I did my blood work last week and Monday I got to hear the results, visit my Dr. and be hooked up for another iron infusion (in reverse order though).  Then after the fun was done, it was off to 8 hours of work.  It was just one of those days where I didn't have a choice or a say except for, "Here I am. I'm going with the flow.  Let's just get this over with." 

Life is what you make it right?!?!

So we started out the day early because I was determined to make sure that I was fully hydrated so that we could have an IV on the first poke (instead of the 4 to 6 that it usually takes).  We left the house with plenty of time, got there, and found out that my new insurance doesn't need pre-approval for my infusion :)   Then it was the weigh in... this is a standing game between the hubby and myself to guess what the magic scale will say.  Keeping weight on is such a battle for me.  Usually we are both fairly right on though.  So hubby guesses his number and I said, "no, I've put on weight, I can tell."  He laughs because he doesn't believe me so I step on the scale and... I'm right and he's off by 10lbs!!!  I've put on 11lbs in the last two months (INSERT HAPPY DANCE HERE)!!!  That would be a total of 15lbs I've put on since my last weight scare  (let's see how long it lasts).  I'm feeling pretty good at this point and doing my best to not let my nerves get to me.  I am actually allergic to my iron infusions so we never know how I'm going to react each time.  The hubby makes his usual jokes about my upcoming date with the needle and how many times it will take and I give him back my best glare and the threat that if it takes more than 3 times I'm going to have the nurse put it in him instead between his toes (a painful past Army experience for him).  My date arrives and SCORE!!!  We're good on the first try (it immediately stops working but between me and the nurses, we're pros at twisting my poor veins around to get them to behave for the time it takes to get business done).  Then here come the pre-meds... the wonderful "drugs" that take a half hour to administer for my 1 hour infusion... but whatever it takes to get iron into a severely anemic person who is severely allergic to iron.  Outside of actually being allergic, the pre-meds are the worst part.  I dislike taking any sort of medication... even taking Tylenol when I need it is a struggle because I don't like anything in my body.  The first pre-med knocks me out and the second hypes me up.  It's a weird combo that I'll never understand and don't even try.  The rest of the hour is pretty much a haze except for the occasional nurse asking me my name, date of birth, and telling me that she's going to take my blood pressure.  I've got my warm blanket, my husband by my side, and not one reaction to the infusion that seems out of place... darn, this is a good day :)  When it was all over my Dr stops in to have our appointment in the infusion center since our scheduled time was long past and she knows how hazy I get afterwards... she really is the best.  She sits in the chair next to me and just talks to me.  It's hilarious that I can totally see the red flags go off in her head when she hears me talk about something she doesn't like... like me being stressed (another big no-no for a person with Crohn's)... but I tell her no worries, I can handle it (because I really eventually do).  We talk about my latest numbers and how we caught it again right before the spiral down so hopefully this infusion helps and we'll stick with infusions every 2 months but I now get to move my next Dr appointment to 4 months out because of my weight gain and non-crashing numbers... woohoo, much better than my 2 month check ups and the monthly ones before it ;)  Got my appointment reminder and a warning to take it easy at work and we're off.

 The work day turned from an 8 hr to a 10.5 but all in all, not too bad of a day (all things considered). The fun part is keeping it all in check until next time!!!

Speaking with a purpose... or so I'd like to think (the introduction)

The new year has started and blogging has been on my mind a lot already.  It's not that I think about people actually reading my thoughts but writing has always been a way for me to SEE my own thoughts... a way for me to look at it from an other's perspective in a way.  Writing makes for a more thorough thought process as to what I'm attempting to say and/or a way to look at a situation and say, "Really, maybe you were overreacting just a little?!?!"

With that being said, they are just that, my thoughts, and those of no one else.  They are not up for judgement nor meant as judgement... however, a healthy discussion about one's thoughts never hurt anyone.

Expect me to be brutally honest; I always am.  My husband often says, " Can't you lie just a little."... To which my answer is always an absolute, "NO!!!"  My goal is to be thoughtful and tactful, but more often than not, it just needs to be said how it is.  Being cruel isn't who I am nor what I'm actually even talking about here...  because when you live with a life-long, never going away (unless God decides to heal me), nasty, and sometimes debilitating disease such as Crohn's... honesty is the only policy.

Me and My Purpose (as I know it thus far):

*  I am just 3 1/2 months away from the big 3-0 (and could care less)
*  I have been married for almost 2 years but we've been together for almost 13
*  My family is my everything and they give me so much joy.  I do everything I possibly can for and with them.
*  I graduated from college with a degree in Elementary Education and I use my degree everyday but have never taught in a classroom of my own.
*  I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis at 15 and Crohn's at 20 but they say it's almost impossible that I had one and now have the other but I've never had any symptoms that belonged to the other while under  each diagnosis.
*  Crohn's is a big part of who I've become but doesn't define me nor own me (even when it's at it's worse).
*  I want children but haven't quite decided whether I'm willing to medicate myself for the rest of my life just  to have them on my own.
*  I'm still trying to find my place in life by giving more of myself to God so he can show me my real path.
*  Music stirs my heart.  It's a window to one's soul.  Is it any wonder I'm married to a musician?!?!
*  Caring for others is my passion... I always put others before myself and sometimes I have to be reminded that we're all ultimately responsible for our own selves and decisions.
*  I'm a lover and a fighter but not at the cost of someone else's happiness.

And lastly for the moment...  I'm stronger today than yesterday and that alone is enough to get me through!!!

I hope you enjoy the read and I would love your feedback and/or suggestions...